Paula and I both cried a bit at the end of "Field of Dreams" tonight, just after Kevin Costner's dad meets his wife and daughter, then they play catch. "For our parents..." I feel the hope of generations when I think of the ordinary lives that went before me ... "ten thousand ancestors who dream of me" ... and yet Paula and I are incomplete, we're lunging with our baton without a receiver. So full of love and life and humor and happiness, yet we're childless. So big a thing that lately we can't even look at it.
So, we had little (well, not so little) Chris stay with us for a week. At first I wondered how we were going to make it, but by the end of the week, I wanted him to stay longer. And now that he has left, I find myself missing him a lot.
I have wanted kids now for about 10 years now. Lately, I find myself becoming a little distant from the concept of “family.” After trying so hard to have a child, and finally letting that go - and now waiting for the time when adoption seems financially possible…I’m becoming cynical about the whole thing. But having Chris here made me realize what a large hole I have in my life. I have so much to be thankful for, and yet there is this intense aching….
So, what do we do? After Chris left, we watched Meet Joe Black, one of my favorite movies, but if I was holding back any of my feelings of longing for family, the end of that movie made me face it. I could almost imagine what it was like to look at my fathers face again…something I haven’t done since before he died almost 16 years ago.
And now, after sobbing for about an hour… I’m ready to face the fact that I still really want a child. There’s a lot of love in there that is still looking for a home.
Well, yesterday we bought our rafts. We got a three-person one, a two-person one, and a one-person one, though I'm guessing each will be a one-person one. They look pretty cute lined up next to each other. Crissi bought one as well, so Friday it'll be me, Paula, Crissi, and Chris, floating down the Delaware, soaking up the sun & resting up for a big Velodrome night. Chris leaves the next day, so it'll be our last hurrah before he goes home.
It was a beautiful Sunday today and we wanted to do something with Chris. He, in particular, wanted to go river tubing, but we were very slow-moving, and by 3:30pm we were still talking about where to go and how to do it. We ended up taking a drive to the Delaware and finding several places to rent tubes that were just closing. We finally came upon a nice park and swimming beach along the river - just as the lifeguards were leaving - and had a cool swim in the lazy river. Maybe next time we can get it together and bring some rafts. But then, it was a pleasant trip. Afterwards, we made a short stop at Burger King and got home with plenty of time to play some more PS2. Being 12 is fun!